Admitting when we are full of shit

This past week(end) was my favorite week of the year.  It was the Wild Goose Festival.  Now, most of you know how The Rager Family feels about The Goose.  We have high expectations every single year.  This year was no exception.  Shane and I ran the Beer Pavilion as well as trying to put out (little) fires that would pop up around the grounds. (not literal fires, but figuratively speaking).  We also had my parents hanging around this year to see what it was about.  I couldn't understand why they wren't taking the time or advantage to visit tents for talks and music.  It didn't take me long to figure out that they didn't go for that.  When I come home, I talk about the people.  I speak about my family that lives all over the United States and abroad.  I speak about the wonderful times I have for those 3 days with people that are so near to my heart.  I'm so  blessed that they decided to get out of their comfort zone and spend a few days in the North Carolina mountains.  Just waiting to see if it's going to rain all day? Is the humidity going to melt your face? How much sweat can one t-shirt absorb?  They met my other family...and they loved them.

   In my last blog, I talked about MS.  Not a lot.  But enough for me to re-read and let you know how  much of a fucking liar I am.  I used the word PRAY....a lot.  I used it because I wanted it to be true.  I wanted everyone to think that I still have my shit together. Well....I didn't....and I still don't.  The truth is, I wasn't praying.  I couldn't pray.  I wouldn't pray.  Why would I pray when I couldn't feel God?  I kind of wanted to yell.  I wanted to ask why.  I wanted some answers.  But I just felt like God was a little busy for me and wan't 'home'.  So...my dear friend told me that I could lean on him, my friends, and family until that time passed.  They would be enough.  He was right.
     This weekend, I felt God EVERYWHERE.  I heard God EVERYWHERE.  I saw God EVERYWHERE.  God has always been there, I was just looking past Him.   But this weekend, He presented himself so that I couldn't look past.  You can't deny the presence when you look into the eyes of Jesus as he washes your feet.  I am so grateful for a God that uses 'regular' people to show others how much they are loved just like he used his Son.

    So today, I say the last blog....I was full of shit.  I wasn't praying for anything. Today....Praying...it's what I do.  I do it well. <3

Meadow Skipping

   OK...

Tomorrow (or today if you are reading this on June1st) I start my steroid infusion.  That's a fancy way of saying they are going to super duper inject me with steroids.  This will take an hour.  I will get to do this for 5 days so I'm super stoked about that.  I hope all the side effects decide to just pass me by. (you do know that gaining weight is one of them)  After this, I'm going to be on a maintenance drug that will hopefully make my MS relapses minimal.  It really does seem like the perfect timing.  Kids JUST got out of school.  Today was Max's day and apparently Cameron decided that yesterday was his day.  We'll talk about some other time. So here I am...brand new summer, brand new  look on life.

      I'm doing a lot of looking and studying on MS and different things I can do. I don't want to be 'that person' that is consumed with the bullshit that decided to invade my brain and my body.  But let's face it, it sucks.  If I can go through the day without NEEDING to take a nap.  If I can make it through the house without looking like a cat walking in the dark after someone cut his whiskers. If I can go for a week and finally stop feeling the need to announce that I've had a bowel movement....I will stop being that person. :)

      Multiple Sclerosis just sounds ugly.  I'm not a fan of the label and would prefer to call it something else.  I recently had a friend that sent me a 'gaggle' of photos of things that were MS. (Mini Skirt, Meadow Skipping, Etc) just to make me smile.  This was one of the most incredible things that anyone has done.  So simple and a shit ton of fun. I'm more than happy to be entertained with more ideas.

      I'm trying to stay upbeat but I have to tell you today sucked.  I pray that tomorrow is better.  I pray that I will be able to feel my shoulders and head again.  I pray that Shane will be able to stop saying "You already asked me that, Honey".  I pray that I can stop looking for things that I have already dealt with.  I pray that I can just accept the letters I have been given and make the most of them.   I pray that I can once again feel the presence of God.

   Life is good.  I just need to feel it, even just for a moment.

Well, it has been minute....this may take a while.

    Here I am on Memorial Day, thinking about what a shitty week it has been.  My wonderful husband was reminded by facebook that I used to blog.  (I did, and I was pretty good at it)  So I think it is a great time to start this back up.

    My daughter is now in college.  She went to Purdue Polytechnic in South Bend.  She did great.  Engineering seemed to be her thing.  Well, the girl misses her art.  If you know her, this does not surprise you.  So this next year she shall be an IUSB student with an undecided major.  I think this is perfect.  As I've told her over and over 19 year olds don't have to know what they are going to be for the rest of their lives.
   My son just finished his first year of high school.  After a little rocky patch during the 2nd trimester, he got his ass in gear.  He's well on his way to become something great.  (I think he's already fantastic but he's got some pretty big plans)
   My baby just finished 3rd grade.  He's so smart.  His grades are outstanding. He's an incredible reader and his personality....well...once you meet him you 'get it'.  I can't wait to see what kind of awesome things this kid does this next year.
   Emma's fiance is busting out tattoos and making me proud.  He has a passion for tattooing and an extreme gift on how to treat people.  I love and adore him like he was my own son. Randrea and Kurt...you did good.

    OK.  Now for me.  I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis this past week.  It sucks.  It really fucking sucks.  My heart is broken But I'm thrilled to have answers for so many things.  Being tired, numbness, memory loss, dizzy, difficulty swallowing....it has been going on for a long time.  Neurologist is guesstimating 7+ years.  I just happen to be in a pretty major relapse so all the pieces fit (and the MRI with 20 lesions on my brain didn't hurt coming up with a conclusion).  So now Shane and I have something else to do with our time.  My heart breaks for the man who would do anything for me.  He can't fix this.   If there was a way, he would find it.

   So now, you get to hear about my adventures for the summer.  This may be the most entertainment you get all summer.  OR you might be so bored out of your mind, you want to just listen to the same old story from the dipshit at the local bar.  Either way, I'm going to write about it.  Be careful.  I might write about you.

......fairy Godmother?

   As most of you know, this was the 4th year for the Ragers attending the Wild Goose Festival.  There are so many people that are there that I truly feel like I am 'home' when I'm with them.  We laugh until we have a headache, pee our pants, or think our insides are going to explode.  We also cry with the same results.  This year was no exception.  I met new people who were a true joy to be around.  I also was able to spend time with people that I have met over the past few years to finally build a relationship.  All of my children were able to do this.  Maximus was no exception.
    As an eight year old free spirited little boy, the Wild Goose is the place for him.  To be more specific, The Desanka Cafe. These beautiful young people are led by a group of adults that almost seem like they could not be 'for real'.  They have incredible gifts that create a bond that can not be mistaken. I'm grateful for their friendship.  I'm even more grateful for the guidance and friendship they have shown my children, especially Maximus.  You see for an entire week, Max kind of gets to 'do his thing'.  This year was a little different since he's a little older and the 'Desankas' have work to do.  I tried to pull him away a little, but 'the force was too great'.  I would see my son in the back of pick up truck, loading, unloading, decorating, running errands....whatever.  What I could see even more clearly was a relationship that was building between him and a Godly young woman who sees my son for the gift that he is. 
    As our week ended, my heart was full.  It was also saddened as I we pulled our Beverly Hillbillies style truck away from Hot Springs Resort.  You know that sense of "I can't believe it's over"?  Yeah, it was overbearing.  I received a text message from a lovely lady who was almost 'unsure'.  She wasn't unsure of what was going on, she was unsure of how to approach me and Shane.  What she was about to say was just CRAZY.  Or was it?  After prayer, sleep, and discussions between Shane and I (and Max), the decision was so simple.  Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Jenna Bowman.  My son's Godmother.

I owe Frank Schaeffer a dollar.

OK.  as most of you know, The Ragers go to The WildGoose Festival every year.  It's what we do.  It is OUR family vacation.  We prepare ourselves all year for North Carolina.  You never know what this crazy festival will bring.  I do know that it brings a sense of peace that I can finally COMPLETELY be myself without the fear of judgment.  I don't fear much of anything, but it is really awesome to know that I can be 100% me and not be considered anything but Janie Rager (mother of Maximus, Cameron, and Emma and dynamic second half of Shane).

   So.....camping for 8 days is a lot of camping for me. (even in a cabin)  So I decided that I would do the laundry during opening ceremonies of the Wild Goose.  I chose then because I'm not much for flashy.  It was quiet and the Wash Tub was empty so getting it done quickly wouldn't be a problem.  A lovely friend by the name of Doug had loaned me his copy of Frank Schaeffer's new book and I knew that I could finish it if everyone would just leave me alone.
   As I sat on the long bench in the front, my darling Shane and lovely Emma stood in front of me....talking.  For the life of me, I can't even remember what they were saying.  Partly because I was deep in the Kindle and partly because I could see this couple walking across the railroad tracks in front of me.  She was striking and he....well....he looked like Frank Schaeffer.  I actually lost my breath for a moment.
   As I kept looking at them, like a cat looking out the window at a bird on a feeder, he changed direction.  He sees us.  He waves and walks towards us.  Shane decides to tell him I'm reading his book.  I eventually have to make the confession that I did NOT buy his book. My friend loaned me the book. (now I feel like an asshole)  Graciously....oh so graciously he tells me I owe him a dollar.  Since we are now on the 'owing money kind of relationship' path, I decided it was OK to tell him how the book makes me feel.  I go as far as to tell him how I felt about him and how it has changed.  You see, three years ago, I saw Frank at the first Wild Goose.  I thought he was offensive.  I had no problems talking about how offended I was.  The things he said. Seriously.  The things he said three years ago made me feel uncomfortable.  I'm not supposed to be uncomfortable, Right?  As the years have gone by, I have grown to love the works of Frank Schaeffer.  I have grown to love how he made me feel that day.  He shook me up.  He made me take a look at myself and those around me.  He even thanked me for my honesty.
   So now, I'm reading his book, again. (paperback that Emma purchased at the Goose) and letting it soak in slowly.  He didn't sign it, but he did paint a beautiful rose on her car,so.....I guess that will do. 

 

Damn...I haven't done one of these in over 3 months. That's a long time in internet months.  I've 'threatened' it many times, but I have finally decided that I'm gonna hop back on this blogging pony. (mostly because I'm beginning to loathe facebook)

It's the holiday season, which I love.  I love the beginning of it with ingesting obscene amounts of food on Thanksgiving (which I was actually sick this year) to Christmas when people try to put things aside to be civil to each other all the way to The New Year. YES.....we get to START OVER. Make some resolutions this year. Make a bunch of them.  Write it down. Make some of the things achievable and some of them so far out there, that you know it won't happen, but it's nice to have goal (I fail at the no F-bomb by about January 2nd).

If you need some ideas, let me help you:
1. Lose weight....lame.  How about eat better and work out more?
2. Give more.....kind of open there. How about volunteering once a month at a particular place? It will make you feel better to help someone else.  You might make it more often later because it feels so nice.
3. Get a better job. Well, how about trying to make the job you have more enjoyable by having a different attitude?
4.  Save money. That's a great idea. Here's a suggestion Week one=$1  Week two=$2  Week three=$3  This is what I did last year and I had enough to buy our Wildgoose tickets. :)
5. Start a hobby. (make sure there isn't a big cost and you regret it within the first week).
6. Being less judgmental. (this means everyone....being pissy with someone that isn't like you is just as bad as people not liking you because you are who you are.) 
7. Spend more time outside. (start by setting a time to turn off your t.v., computer, phone) You'll have to do something....let's go outside.
8. Read more. (biography, self-help, novels, classics....whatever)
9. Try becoming more self sufficient.
10. Stop bitching and do something. (This is in particular with things that I can change, but I'm too busy complaining about it to do something.)

I'm suggesting these....because they interest me. I think these will be on my list this year as well as the  "No F-bomb".

GASP......VMA's 'shock' the nation. (People...knock it off)

OK....I'm gonna put my two pennies in and then say "I'm done"

~Miley Cyrus, your performance was gross and not very entertaining HOWEVER I've seen worse. It's time to step up your game. Put your clothes on, put your tongue back in your mouth, get rid of the creepy bears, stop grinding on married men, take your foam finger back to the football game and just take a break.  Sit this one out.
~Robin Thicke, congratulations.  You're a mid-30's married man wearing a BeetleJuice suit having a 20 year old grind on you like it's some seedy strip club. (most men do this in private).  If you were trying to get people to notice you without being pegged as the bad guy.....Congratulations.
~American People.....LET IT GO!!!!  Seriously?  Miley Cyrus  being a 20 year old woman showing her sexuality in a 'not so classy' fashion is your biggest gripe. Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana are two different people.  It's like being mad at Drew Barrymore for showing her boobies to David Letterman when you still look at her as Gertie from ET. (don't forget she was the Firestarter...thank you, Stephen King)

It was the VMA's on MTV. I don't have cable or a dish so I'm guessing)  Isn't this also the channel that encourages Jersey Shore? Sweet 16? Teen Mom? Real World?  If you don't like seeing your favorite Hannah Montana looking like Miley Cyrus......turn it back to Disney Channel.  Seriously, I've seen and done worse....just not in front of so many judgmental people.