It's been 20 years.........let it go.

     It has taken me a long time to be comfortable in my own skin. I think that is why I am constantly having ink pounded into it.  If people look at the drawings, then they are less likely to judge me for the things that I can not change.  (well, I could change them, but plastic surgery isn't at the top of my list).
     All through school, I was loud and hyper.  I know that it was and still is a defense mechanism.  My 'physical' beauty was masked by lots of hair, makeup, a big mouth, and an attitude that might have made people question my personal choices.  Sometimes I brought it on myself and other times well people decided it was OK to make up things that sounded better...to them.
    I'm not going to sugar coat it.  I hated high school.  HATED IT.  I wasn't a star student.  I didn't have a musical gift.  I wasn't particularly athletic. (I did cheerleading all through school though)  From the moment I walked through the doors my freshman year, I had Seniors that were on my like.....well....stink on shit.  I was threatened EVERY day.  I was called every name in the book.  Most Mondays I would come to school and 'find out' who I had slept with at some random party. (my parents were pretty protective.....i didn't go to parties).  So this would just fuel the fire for the rest of the week.   Yeah, that's fun for a 14 year old girl with an already low self esteem.
    Enough of the "Boo Hoo....poor Janie".  Now, I'm starting to get pissed.  Here it is 20 years after I graduated. (yeah.....20 years.....I don't know how that can be since I don't look a day over 26....bahahahahaha) Still when I go through my sleepy town, I see people that I went to school with.  Keep in mind, I don't remember EVER talking to some of these people because 1. We didn't go to the same elementary school.  2. We didn't have any classes together in high school.  3.  We just didn't hang around the same crowd.  
~What I'm getting at is this: How in the hell can you STILL tell others about me and the kind of person I was?  When I'm told from my neighbors/mutual friends who I've know for a 10 years, that someone I went to school with said "You were (fill in the blank)".  Most of the time, these people DID NOT KNOW ME.  They tormented me.  They helped shape me into the bitter person that I had to fight against.  I don't blame them anymore for things from high school.  I blame them for continuing the nastiness and the need for a power trip 20 years later.   
    I have been a lot of things to many people.  One thing I will not be is that same frightened girl.  The next time you want to speak about someone, talk to someone about them and yourself.  See how you can raise them up. See how you can leave the conversation so everyone feels better. 
   I'm friends (on facebook) with some of the people who have said some of the most horrible things about me in the past.  I'm willing to let the nastiness go....as long as they are.